Why I Tell Couples To Overcommunicate
Lately, I find myself giving couples the same simple but powerful piece of advice in couples counseling: overcommunicate.
Now, I don’t mean flooding your partner with every fleeting thought or texting them a minute-by-minute play-by-play of your day. What I do mean is leaning into direct, proactive communication about both the small and the big things. Overcommunication helps reduce misunderstandings, build trust, and create a stronger foundation for navigating conflict.
The Problem With "Normal" Communication
Many couples come into therapy telling me, “We already communicate- we just don’t get anywhere.” Often, the issue isn’t a lack of talking, but the style of communication. People assume their partner can “read between the lines” or that unspoken needs should be obvious. But research consistently shows that mind-reading in relationships doesn’t work (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Without clarity, assumptions creep in, and those assumptions can breed resentment.
That’s where overcommunication becomes essential. By stating things plainly and proactively, couples remove the guesswork.
Process vs. Content in Conflict
When couples argue, most of the focus tends to land on the content: the dishes in the sink, how money is being spent, how much time is spent with in-laws. Content matters, but what often derails a conflict is the process—the how of the communication.
Do you raise your voice? Shut down? Interrupt? Avoid the conversation altogether? These patterns, left unaddressed, can be more damaging than the content of the disagreement itself. Overcommunicating means naming the process in real time:
“I’m starting to feel defensive—I need a pause.”
“Can we slow this down? I want to really hear you.”
“I think I misunderstood what you just said—can you clarify?”
By naming the process, couples create more safety in the conversation. The focus shifts from winning the argument to maintaining connection while working through the issue.
Proactive Communication
Overcommunication isn’t just for conflict. It also means sharing more of your inner world before small things snowball into bigger problems. For example:
Instead of waiting until you’re overwhelmed with household tasks, you say, “This week feels heavy for me. Can we divide chores differently?”
Instead of assuming your partner knows you need more affection, you share, “I’ve been craving more hugs lately.”
When partners consistently share what’s on their mind and in their heart, there are fewer surprises. That consistency builds reliability—and reliability builds trust.
What Research Says
Relationship science backs this up. John Gottman, a leading researcher on marriage and communication, has shown that couples who engage in clear, direct communication are more likely to stay together long-term (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Other studies highlight that effective communication—especially around conflict—is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction (Lavner, Karney, & Bradbury, 2016).
Simply put: couples who talk openly, clearly, and often are better equipped to navigate stress and maintain intimacy.
The Takeaway
When I tell couples to overcommunicate, it’s because clarity creates safety. Overcommunication ensures you’re not just speaking, but truly connecting. It helps you navigate not only the what of your conflicts but also the how of your process together.
So next time you’re tempted to keep something to yourself—whether it’s a small irritation or a need for more connection—consider sharing it. Chances are, your relationship will be stronger for it.
References
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Publishing.
Lavner, J. A., Karney, B. R., & Bradbury, T. N. (2016). Relationship problems over the early years of marriage: Stability or change? Journal of Family Psychology, 30(7), 913–918.
