The Importance of Giving the Benefit of the Doubt in Relationships
I see this all the time in my work with couples. One partner gets hurt, sometimes deeply, by something their partner did or didn’t do, and from that point forward, they start to interpret almost everything through that hurt. A forgotten text becomes “You don’t care about me.” A quiet moment becomes “You’re pulling away again.” A disagreement turns into “You never listen to me.”
These interpretations make sense when we understand that the nervous system remembers pain. Once someone has been hurt, it feels safer to assume threat than to risk being blindsided again. But over time, this protective stance can start to filter how we see our partner and their intentions. That’s where the practice of giving the benefit of the doubt becomes so powerful.
What does benefit of the doubt mean for relationships? Let’s dive deeper!
Positive Perspective vs. Negative Sentiment Override
In John and Julie Gottman’s research, they describe two emotional climates that shape how couples interpret each other’s behavior: positive perspective and negative sentiment override.
When we’re in a positive perspective, we naturally see our partner through a lens of goodwill. If they seem distracted, we might think, “They must be stressed,” instead of “They’re ignoring me.” We assume they care, even if their delivery isn’t perfect.
When a relationship has slipped into negative sentiment override, that lens shifts. Even neutral or kind gestures can start to feel loaded. “Thanks for doing the dishes” might be heard as sarcasm. A simple question might sound like criticism. It’s not that the partner has suddenly become the enemy, it’s that the brain has started to expect disappointment or rejection, and it finds evidence to match that story.
Why It Matters
When we assume good intent, we send a powerful message: “I believe you’re on my side.” That trust helps both people feel emotionally safe, which makes it easier to regulate, repair, and reconnect.
When we assume bad intent, even unconsciously, we activate a threat response. We become guarded, more critical, or withdrawn. That defensiveness often triggers more defensiveness in return, which deepens the disconnect.
Neuroscience supports this pattern. When couples feel misunderstood or unsafe, their stress response stays active (Coan & Sbarra, 2015). The brain moves into protection mode, making it harder to access empathy and curiosity. Choosing to give the benefit of the doubt helps interrupt that cycle. It’s a way of saying, “Let’s slow down. Maybe there’s another explanation here.”
Practicing the Benefit of the Doubt
This doesn’t mean excusing hurtful behavior or pretending things don’t bother you. It means starting from trust instead of assumption. Here are a few ways to practice:
Notice your story. When you feel hurt or frustrated, ask yourself, “What story am I telling myself about why this happened?”
Ask for clarity instead of assuming intent. Try, “Hey, that comment stung a bit. Can you tell me what you meant?”
Remember the bigger picture. If your partner is usually kind or attentive, it’s likely this moment is an exception, not the rule.
Return to shared goals. Remind yourself that you’re on the same team, even when you’re in conflict.
Like any habit, this takes practice, especially if you’ve experienced betrayal or emotional injuries in the past. But over time, giving your partner the benefit of the doubt helps rewire how your brain perceives safety and connection in the relationship.
The Bottom Line
Healthy relationships aren’t built on perfection. They’re built on the ability to interpret each other’s imperfections with generosity. When you assume your partner’s intentions are good, even when they fall short, you strengthen the foundation of trust and care that holds everything else together.
When both partners do this consistently, it creates what the Gottmans call a positive sentiment override, a sense of goodwill that helps you weather conflict with more grace and understanding.
In my next post, I’ll talk about the cognitive distortions that often get in the way of this process and how to recognize when your brain is filling in the blanks with fear instead of fact.
References
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
Gottman, J. M. (1994). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last. Simon & Schuster.
Coan, J. A., & Sbarra, D. A. (2015). Social Baseline Theory: The social regulation of risk and effort. Current Opinion in Psychology, 1, 87–91.
The Gottman Institute. (n.d.). Understanding Positive vs. Negative Sentiment Override.
•Fredrickson, B. L. (2001). The role of positive emotions in positive psychology: The broaden-and-build theory of positive emotions. American Psychologist, 56(3), 218–226.
The One Skill I’d Teach Every Couple
My dad once asked me, “What is one thing you would teach every couple in the world?” The answer came to me right away: emotion regulation and validating responses.
These two skills are the foundation of healthy communication and relationship repair. Without them, couples often get stuck in cycles of defensiveness, misunderstanding, or escalation. With them, even tough conversations can feel safer and more productive.
Why Emotion Regulation Matters
When we’re emotionally overwhelmed, our nervous system goes into survival mode. John Gottman refers to this as flooding, a physiological state where our heart rate spikes, stress hormones surge, and our brain struggles to process information clearly (Gottman, 1999).
I know, I know. It’s easy to point the finger at our partner. This kind of invalidating response only leads to more emotional dysregulation. This gets us nowhere, but it’s so natural for us to be defensive.
When we’re flooded, we’re far more likely to lash out, shut down, or misinterpret our partner’s words. This is why emotion regulation is crucial. It doesn’t mean ignoring or suppressing emotions, but rather staying grounded enough to choose how to respond, rather than letting our emotions choose for us.
Examples of emotion regulation might look like:
Taking a pause before responding.
Noticing your body cues (tension, racing thoughts, clenched jaw) and calming yourself with a breath or break.
Reminding yourself, “I can slow this down. I don’t need to win, I need to connect.”
The Power of Validation
Once we’re regulated, we can turn to the second skill: validation.
Validation is not about agreeing with your partner, but about acknowledging their experience. It’s saying, “I hear you, I see why you feel that way, and your emotions make sense.”
This step can’t be skipped- when people feel invalidated, they often push harder to be understood, which escalates conflict. But when someone feels heard, the intensity often lowers, and real problem-solving becomes possible.
For example:
Instead of: “You’re overreacting. It’s not a big deal.”
Try: “I can see this really matters to you. That makes sense, you want to feel considered.”
Putting It Together
In my work with couples, I often share a diagram (see below) that illustrates these two pieces: regulation and validation. When both partners learn these skills, conflicts feel less like battles and more like opportunities for connection.
The image shows the two cycles described by Daniel Frezetti, how emotion dysregulation and invalidating responses is a cycle, juxtaposed with emotion regulation and validating responses being it’s own cycle.
As Daniel J. Frezetti describes in The High Conflict Couple, practicing regulation and validation can transform patterns of criticism, defensiveness, and withdrawal into moments of understanding and repair (Frezetti, 2006).
A Gentle Reminder
These skills aren’t about perfection; they’re about progress. No one regulates or validates perfectly every time. But each effort to pause, calm yourself, and validate your partner builds trust and safety in the relationship.
If there’s one thing I wish every couple in the world could practice, it’s this: regulate your emotions, and then respond with validation. That’s where lasting connection begins.
References
Frezetti, D. J. (2006). The High Conflict Couple: A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy, and Validation. New Harbinger Publications.
•Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown.
Why I Tell Couples To Overcommunicate
The key to conflict management - “overcommunication.”
Lately, I find myself giving couples the same simple but powerful piece of advice in couples counseling: overcommunicate.
Now, I don’t mean flooding your partner with every fleeting thought or texting them a minute-by-minute play-by-play of your day. What I do mean is leaning into direct, proactive communication about both the small and the big things. Overcommunication helps reduce misunderstandings, build trust, and create a stronger foundation for navigating conflict.
The Problem With "Normal" Communication
Many couples come into therapy telling me, “We already communicate- we just don’t get anywhere.” Often, the issue isn’t a lack of talking, but the style of communication. People assume their partner can “read between the lines” or that unspoken needs should be obvious. But research consistently shows that mind-reading in relationships doesn’t work (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Without clarity, assumptions creep in, and those assumptions can breed resentment.
That’s where overcommunication becomes essential. By stating things plainly and proactively, couples remove the guesswork.
Process vs. Content in Conflict
When couples argue, most of the focus tends to land on the content: the dishes in the sink, how money is being spent, how much time is spent with in-laws. Content matters, but what often derails a conflict is the process - the how of the communication.
Do you raise your voice? Shut down? Interrupt? Avoid the conversation altogether? These patterns, left unaddressed, can be more damaging than the content of the disagreement itself. Overcommunicating means naming the process in real time:
“I’m starting to feel defensive- I need a pause.”
“Can we slow this down? I want to really hear you.”
“I think I misunderstood what you just said. Can you clarify?”
By naming the process, couples create more safety in the conversation. The focus shifts from winning the argument to maintaining connection while working through the issue.
Proactive Communication
Overcommunication isn’t just for conflict. It also means sharing more of your inner world before small things snowball into bigger problems. For example:
Instead of waiting until you’re overwhelmed with household tasks, you say, “This week feels heavy for me. Can we divide chores differently?”
Instead of assuming your partner knows you need more affection, you share, “I’ve been craving more hugs lately.”
When partners consistently share what’s on their mind and in their heart, there are fewer surprises. That consistency builds reliability, and reliability builds trust.
What Research Says
Relationship science backs this up. John Gottman, a leading researcher on marriage and communication, has shown that couples who engage in clear, direct communication are more likely to stay together long-term (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Other studies highlight that effective communication - especially around conflict - is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction (Lavner, Karney, & Bradbury, 2016).
Simply put: couples who talk openly, clearly, and often are better equipped to navigate stress and maintain intimacy.
The Takeaway
When I tell couples to overcommunicate, it’s because clarity creates safety. Overcommunication ensures you’re not just speaking, but truly connecting. It helps you navigate not only the what of your conflicts but also the how of your process together.
So next time you’re tempted to keep something to yourself, whether it’s a small irritation or a need for more connection, consider sharing it. Chances are, your relationship will be stronger for it.
References
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Publishing.
Lavner, J. A., Karney, B. R., & Bradbury, T. N. (2016). Relationship problems over the early years of marriage: Stability or change? Journal of Family Psychology, 30(7), 913–918.
Rooted Reflections
Get to Know Mandy Losito of Mosaic Roots Counseling
Hi, I’m Mandy Losito, owner and therapist at Mosaic Roots Counseling. I’m so glad you’ve found your way here.
Starting this blog feels like the right place to introduce myself and share a little about the heart behind Mosaic Roots. My hope is that this space will become a place where I can offer reflections, resources, and encouragement for anyone navigating life’s challenges, healing from the past, or wanting to grow in their relationships.
About Me
I provide individual and couples therapy in Metro Atlanta, drawing from Internal Family Systems (IFS), attachment-based counseling, and the Gottman Method. My approach is warm, open, and collaborative - I believe the relationship between therapist and client is the foundation for healing.
Outside of sessions, you’ll usually find me traveling, hiking or relaxing by the pool, exploring new restaurants and live music spots with my partner, or spending time with friends and family. I also love video games, reality TV, and sharing virtual sessions with my cat, Gravy (who insists on making himself known from time to time!).
My Journey to Becoming a Therapist
Like many of us, I grew up learning to keep certain parts of myself hidden in order to stay connected to the people I loved. I carried painful messages like “You’re too much” or “You’re a bad person,” and developed strong people-pleasing tendencies that kept me attached to others - but left me feeling disconnected from myself.
I was so good at hiding it! You would never guess I believed these messages by looking at old photos.
Over time, this disconnection showed up as anxiety and a deep sense of unease in my own skin. Therapy helped me begin to listen to my emotions instead of pushing them away. It allowed me to slowly reclaim my authenticity while still nurturing safe, meaningful relationships.
That experience changed my life. I know firsthand how powerful it is to feel seen, accepted, and supported while doing the hard work of healing. That’s why I became a therapist - to help others untangle old stories, reconnect with their authentic selves, and build relationships that feel honest, safe, and alive.
Why Mosaic Roots?
The name Mosaic Roots Counseling reflects what I believe about healing: every part of us matters. Our lives are like mosaics - made up of many different fragments: our history, our struggles, our strengths, and our stories. Each piece has its own color and texture, and together they create something uniquely beautiful.
The “roots” point back to where we come from - our families, cultures, and early experiences, as well as the parts of ourselves that developed to help us survive. In IFS therapy, we honor those parts instead of pushing them away. When we tend to our roots with care and curiosity, we create the stability needed for new growth.
Moving Forward
This blog is one more way for me to walk alongside you. I’ll be sharing thoughts on therapy, relationships, emotional well-being, and ways to reconnect with yourself. My hope is that, whether or not we work together directly, something here can help you feel a little less alone and a little more grounded.
If you’d like to stay connected, I invite you to [join my newsletter] for reflections and resources, or [book a session] if you’re ready to take the next step in your own journey.
Thank you for being here at the start of this blog - I’m excited to share more with you.