The Importance of Giving the Benefit of the Doubt in Relationships
I see this all the time in my work with couples. One partner gets hurt, sometimes deeply, by something their partner did or didn’t do, and from that point forward, they start to interpret almost everything through that hurt. A forgotten text becomes “You don’t care about me.” A quiet moment becomes “You’re pulling away again.” A disagreement turns into “You never listen to me.”
These interpretations make sense when we understand that the nervous system remembers pain. Once someone has been hurt, it feels safer to assume threat than to risk being blindsided again. But over time, this protective stance can start to filter how we see our partner and their intentions. That’s where the practice of giving the benefit of the doubt becomes so powerful.
What does benefit of the doubt mean for relationships? Let’s dive deeper!
Positive Perspective vs. Negative Sentiment Override
In John and Julie Gottman’s research, they describe two emotional climates that shape how couples interpret each other’s behavior: positive perspective and negative sentiment override.
When we’re in a positive perspective, we naturally see our partner through a lens of goodwill. If they seem distracted, we might think, “They must be stressed,” instead of “They’re ignoring me.” We assume they care, even if their delivery isn’t perfect.
When a relationship has slipped into negative sentiment override, that lens shifts. Even neutral or kind gestures can start to feel loaded. “Thanks for doing the dishes” might be heard as sarcasm. A simple question might sound like criticism. It’s not that the partner has suddenly become the enemy, it’s that the brain has started to expect disappointment or rejection, and it finds evidence to match that story.
Why It Matters
When we assume good intent, we send a powerful message: “I believe you’re on my side.” That trust helps both people feel emotionally safe, which makes it easier to regulate, repair, and reconnect.
When we assume bad intent, even unconsciously, we activate a threat response. We become guarded, more critical, or withdrawn. That defensiveness often triggers more defensiveness in return, which deepens the disconnect.
Neuroscience supports this pattern. When couples feel misunderstood or unsafe, their stress response stays active (Coan & Sbarra, 2015). The brain moves into protection mode, making it harder to access empathy and curiosity. Choosing to give the benefit of the doubt helps interrupt that cycle. It’s a way of saying, “Let’s slow down. Maybe there’s another explanation here.”
Practicing the Benefit of the Doubt
This doesn’t mean excusing hurtful behavior or pretending things don’t bother you. It means starting from trust instead of assumption. Here are a few ways to practice:
Notice your story. When you feel hurt or frustrated, ask yourself, “What story am I telling myself about why this happened?”
Ask for clarity instead of assuming intent. Try, “Hey, that comment stung a bit. Can you tell me what you meant?”
Remember the bigger picture. If your partner is usually kind or attentive, it’s likely this moment is an exception, not the rule.
Return to shared goals. Remind yourself that you’re on the same team, even when you’re in conflict.
Like any habit, this takes practice, especially if you’ve experienced betrayal or emotional injuries in the past. But over time, giving your partner the benefit of the doubt helps rewire how your brain perceives safety and connection in the relationship.
The Bottom Line
Healthy relationships aren’t built on perfection. They’re built on the ability to interpret each other’s imperfections with generosity. When you assume your partner’s intentions are good, even when they fall short, you strengthen the foundation of trust and care that holds everything else together.
When both partners do this consistently, it creates what the Gottmans call a positive sentiment override, a sense of goodwill that helps you weather conflict with more grace and understanding.
In my next post, I’ll talk about the cognitive distortions that often get in the way of this process and how to recognize when your brain is filling in the blanks with fear instead of fact.
References
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
Gottman, J. M. (1994). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last. Simon & Schuster.
Coan, J. A., & Sbarra, D. A. (2015). Social Baseline Theory: The social regulation of risk and effort. Current Opinion in Psychology, 1, 87–91.
The Gottman Institute. (n.d.). Understanding Positive vs. Negative Sentiment Override.
•Fredrickson, B. L. (2001). The role of positive emotions in positive psychology: The broaden-and-build theory of positive emotions. American Psychologist, 56(3), 218–226.
